Unexpected Recall

Have you ever had a bad dream? It happened to me last night. Actually it was not a scary one. However, I enjoyed this dream for a while. Until I realized that this dream was the beginning of a disaster. I dreamt about my ex girlfriend. 

Before the dream, I saw her photo tagged in my friend’s instagram. She was in a photo studio with her friends, wearing lab coat as the dresscode. I admired the picture for a while. Her sweet smile captivated me. I felt happy for her. I am proud she can fulfill her dream to be a dentist, because currently she is studying dentistry in one of the public universities in Indonesia. Some seconds after, flashbacks about her came into my head. I immediately closed the application before any other flashbacks to come.

I did not expected that this picture could be a trigger for a dream. I did not remember clearly about the detail btw, but I will give the summary.

I was in a building (kinda in a university) with some friends. Then she came up from stairs. We starred each other for a while. I did not see any facial expression from her face. I did not have any guts to greet her at that time. Then she continued to walk towards classroom. We were in the same classroom at that time.

After the class, she suddenly poked me from behind. She asked me to be her math tutor. I agreed and I started to teach her. 

*Then the dream was skipped into the following part*

I was riding a motorcycle and she was right behind me. We had a delightful chit chat with laughs. I enjoyed this moment a lot. She also touched my cheek and said, “Wow now your cheek is not as smooth as in the junior high.” Finally, we arrived at her place, she got off from the bike and saying goodbye with that super sweet smile. 

I woke up and still felt the satisfaction from the dream. But, the satisfaction was degrading slowly. I began to be realistic. I broke up with her 5 years ago. Currently, she’s already in another relationship and I’m still single.

I didn’t miss her personaly, I just missed about the figure. I missed the figure who I love, trust, and can do silly things together with. Until now, I have not found that figure yet. 

This was the part where disaster happened. I compared myself with others. People in a relationship seemed much more happier than me. And I began craving for “someone”. Then, I tried to find the proper candidates based on my criteria. It sounds silly, but I did. Moreover, I began to consider about the candidates’ profile. Until one point, I realized that I was not in the same situation with any of the candidates. It seemed impossible for me to get one of them at this time. Finally, I compared myself, comparing me in the past and me in present. And the impact from my stupid way of thinking was :

My current life is sucks, I need to find a girlfriend immidiately because it is delightful to be loved with someone. But after I did some research, I did not find anyone. Why? Just why?

In the middle of the situation, three words crossed into my mind. Guard your heart.

Those three words seemed farmiliar in one of the bible verses. Then I tried to search and finally found it. It was from Proverbs 4 : 23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (NIV)

This verse opened my mind. I began to cross-check what did I do in life. Honestly, this week I did left my heart unguarded. I realized I was wrong. It was a kind of self-pity. I complained a lot about my current situation. I did a misconception about a relationship. I was not fully grateful with my life. I didn’t rely on God’s power, I rather relied on my own power which is limited. I did not respect God’s time.

From now on, I don’t want to create an imagination about “how life should be” in my own version. I don’t want ego to conquer me. I also learn not to have a self-pity. From the dream, I learn how to move on. Now I am facing a new situation and all I have to do is to live life to the fullest. I don’t let myself to live in the past. At last, I don’t want to leave my heart unguarded anymore. When self-pity come, I try not to confirm and let myself drown into some stupid assumption. I will say to my super-evil mind, “I have God and His Plan is bigger than you think! Bad times may come, but there must be an end! There must be a shimmering light on the other side of a dark tunnel. All you have to do is to run and believe!”