Curhat : Hope for the best

2 minggu belakangan ini mungkin menjadi minggu ter-apes buat gue. 

Pertama dikejutkan dengan ujian Matematika yang SANGAT BERBEDA JAUH DARI SOAL UAS TAHUN LALU. Ternyata hal yang sama pun terjadi dengan ujian Fisika Statika yang berlangsung kemarin. 

Hal konyol pun terjadi pagi ini sewaktu ujian Material Teknik. Ujian openbook ini ternyata tidak semudah kedengarannya. Kenapa? KARENA GUE SEMPET – SEMPETNYA SALAH NYALIN JAWABAN. Ini sih judulnya, “Closebook salah, giliran dikasih openbook eh sama aja engga becus.”

 

Setelah itu tadi sore ban sempet bocor, padahal lagi nganterin temen gereja. Untung aja ban sekitar leher pompa-nya kaga robek seperti yang sudah – sudah, bersyukur gak perlu ganti ban baru. Walaupun begitu gue harus muter – muter mencari tukang tambal ban dengan kondisi menggandeng motor dan temen gerejaku bertugas megangin helm.

Lanjut, malam ini rencananya mau melepas penat dengan teman kosan, maka kita main PES bareng. Tapi waktu main pun si apes ini sepertinya gak lepas – lepas. Gue jadi kalah terus, padahal biasanya engga begini, sungguh.

Dibalik masa – masa apes yang gue alami, gue justru melihat perspektif lain sembari menulis tulisan ini. Apakah mungkin ini efek dari Natal yang dirayakan tidak bersama keluarga? Jawabannya sudah pasti bukan karena enggak masuk akal.

Tapi jujur, memang berat untuk merayakan natal tanpa keluarga. Selama 18 tahun hidup, gue selalu merayakan natal bersama keluarga. Tapi kali ini merupakan natal yang begitu spesial, sehingga gue harus bertahan di Jogja untuk menanti waktu – waktu uas yang jadwalnya bikin orang gereget. Gimana kaga gereget, masa dari 15 desember – 7 januari gue gak bisa balik ke Bandung karena jadwal ujian yang hanya diadakan setiap hari SENIN SELASA, sedangkan hari – hari sisanya kosong melompong?

Ya karena hal ini pula, gue harus rela untuk melepaskan impian untuk merayakan ulang tahun dan tahun baru 2015 bersama keluarga. Jadi curhat aja (siapa tau dikasih kado sama kalian), ulang tahun gue itu besok, tanggal 31 Desember. Sehari sebelum adik gue ulang tahun, yaitu 1 Januari. Ajib memang tanggal lahir adik gue bisa sama dengan tanggal tahun baru.

Mungkin mulai saat ini orang – orang mulai sibuk untuk membuat Resolusi 2015. Entah mengapa gue belum kepikiran. Terbesit beberapa target yang ingin gue raih. Tapi entah mengapa, rasanya gue sama sekali gak terlalu excited dengan pergantian tahun ini, it seems flat for me. Mungkin karena gue masih harus menyelesaikan beberapa ujian lagi. Suasana yang seharusnya suasana liburan ini gak begitu terasa untuk gue. Apakah selepas ujian ini gue menjadi excited dengan tahun 2015? Gue juga gak berani jamin. Semoga iya, karena kenyataannya hidup terus berjalan. Just hope for the best for me.

Unexpected Recall

Have you ever had a bad dream? It happened to me last night. Actually it was not a scary one. However, I enjoyed this dream for a while. Until I realized that this dream was the beginning of a disaster. I dreamt about my ex girlfriend. 

Before the dream, I saw her photo tagged in my friend’s instagram. She was in a photo studio with her friends, wearing lab coat as the dresscode. I admired the picture for a while. Her sweet smile captivated me. I felt happy for her. I am proud she can fulfill her dream to be a dentist, because currently she is studying dentistry in one of the public universities in Indonesia. Some seconds after, flashbacks about her came into my head. I immediately closed the application before any other flashbacks to come.

I did not expected that this picture could be a trigger for a dream. I did not remember clearly about the detail btw, but I will give the summary.

I was in a building (kinda in a university) with some friends. Then she came up from stairs. We starred each other for a while. I did not see any facial expression from her face. I did not have any guts to greet her at that time. Then she continued to walk towards classroom. We were in the same classroom at that time.

After the class, she suddenly poked me from behind. She asked me to be her math tutor. I agreed and I started to teach her. 

*Then the dream was skipped into the following part*

I was riding a motorcycle and she was right behind me. We had a delightful chit chat with laughs. I enjoyed this moment a lot. She also touched my cheek and said, “Wow now your cheek is not as smooth as in the junior high.” Finally, we arrived at her place, she got off from the bike and saying goodbye with that super sweet smile. 

I woke up and still felt the satisfaction from the dream. But, the satisfaction was degrading slowly. I began to be realistic. I broke up with her 5 years ago. Currently, she’s already in another relationship and I’m still single.

I didn’t miss her personaly, I just missed about the figure. I missed the figure who I love, trust, and can do silly things together with. Until now, I have not found that figure yet. 

This was the part where disaster happened. I compared myself with others. People in a relationship seemed much more happier than me. And I began craving for “someone”. Then, I tried to find the proper candidates based on my criteria. It sounds silly, but I did. Moreover, I began to consider about the candidates’ profile. Until one point, I realized that I was not in the same situation with any of the candidates. It seemed impossible for me to get one of them at this time. Finally, I compared myself, comparing me in the past and me in present. And the impact from my stupid way of thinking was :

My current life is sucks, I need to find a girlfriend immidiately because it is delightful to be loved with someone. But after I did some research, I did not find anyone. Why? Just why?

In the middle of the situation, three words crossed into my mind. Guard your heart.

Those three words seemed farmiliar in one of the bible verses. Then I tried to search and finally found it. It was from Proverbs 4 : 23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (NIV)

This verse opened my mind. I began to cross-check what did I do in life. Honestly, this week I did left my heart unguarded. I realized I was wrong. It was a kind of self-pity. I complained a lot about my current situation. I did a misconception about a relationship. I was not fully grateful with my life. I didn’t rely on God’s power, I rather relied on my own power which is limited. I did not respect God’s time.

From now on, I don’t want to create an imagination about “how life should be” in my own version. I don’t want ego to conquer me. I also learn not to have a self-pity. From the dream, I learn how to move on. Now I am facing a new situation and all I have to do is to live life to the fullest. I don’t let myself to live in the past. At last, I don’t want to leave my heart unguarded anymore. When self-pity come, I try not to confirm and let myself drown into some stupid assumption. I will say to my super-evil mind, “I have God and His Plan is bigger than you think! Bad times may come, but there must be an end! There must be a shimmering light on the other side of a dark tunnel. All you have to do is to run and believe!”